Matters of the Heart
by hundan
Summary: After Tony's 'Midlife Crazy' Ziva decides that before she goes away with Mr Miami for Christmas she will go see him because she is still worried about him. Everything will change for Tony and Ziva this Christmas...


**So I have worked on this on and off ever since the last ep. It has slight spoilers for that so watch out. This is my little (well not so little) go at a sort of Christmas one shot, and it deals with Mr Miami and what I think should happen, but for some reason I don't think it will :). Enjoy.**

It was the day before Ziva was to go away on her trip with her friend from Miami, Rick. It was a Saturday night and she was meeting Rick at the airport at midday tomorrow. She was very excited for the trip as it would let her have some time away from work and she got to see Rick again, she had not seen him since she left Miami a few months ago, she missed being around him, he always made her happy.

She hadn't talked to Tony since Friday at work, after he had pulled that prank on them. She had actually found it quite funny after she calmed down realising there was no threat. And she noticed how Tony had gotten back some of his usual personality; however she was not fully convinced he was back to how he was. Something about what had happened to Brenda Bittner had made him very troubled.

So she decided that before she left tomorrow she was going to go see him tonight, to make sure he was ok. If she had left without seeing him she would have been worried while she was away and she didn't want that. Now she drove her little red mini though the snowy streets, it really had started to snow a lot more today, she headed to his apartment that she was oh so familiar with.

As she parked up outside of his apartment building she hoped the snow was going to die down a bit as she didn't want to have her flight cancelled due to the weather conditions. She walked up two lots of stairs until she reached his apartment floor and she walked down the hallway to his door, being here a lot over the past five years she knew the place well. She knocked a few times on the door and a few moments later she heard feet plop to the floor and patter over to the door.

When he opened the door and saw who it was he smiled, he always enjoyed a visit from Ziva, unexpected or not.

"Hey Zee-vah" he greeted; she noticed he was back to his old self on the outside, but she could see in his eyes that there was still something troubling him.

"Hello Tony" she stated as she walked passed him into the apartment, she noticed nothing had changed from the last time she was here, and he didn't have a Christmas tree this year.

"No Christmas tree Tony?" she asked playfully. He shook his head.

"Na, well no ones going to be around on Christmas but me and so I didn't see the point" he said and she could see his troubles begin to seep through.

"So no friends or ladies will be joining you this year?" she knew she was pushing him when she added 'ladies', she knew he had changed but she wanted to know what was bugging him.

"No, just me, alone by myself" he stated with a sour tone, she had hit something. He had walked over to the couch and plopped down in a slight mood on her bringing it up. She walked around and sat gently onto the couch, facing him.

"And is that by choice?" she pushed and he looked at her with a slight glare, and something else in his eyes, was it hurt?

"Yes it is by choice" he stated grumpy "Why does it matter to you? I thought you were going off with Mr Miami on some big romantic skiing trip" he said a bit harsher then he meant to. She let it be, knowing something was defiantly still troubling him, and big time.

"It matters to me because you are my partner and my friend; I want to make sure you're ok. And I am going away with my friend Rick from Miami but he is just a friend Tony, like I have told you many times before" he was slightly surprised when she had used her friends name; she hadn't told anyone his actual name before. But still Tony didn't buy that they were 'just friends'.

"I am fine, is that why you came over? To gloat in my face that you are having some awesome holiday with your boyfriend and I am here alone on Christmas" he snapped, he didn't know where all of this had came from. But he had a feeling it was because the person he wished to spend his Christmas with was off to some expensive trip with some guy and he was very jealous of that, he was always jealous when it came to Ziva. Ziva let him be snappy at her, she was worried he was troubled and snapping back would only make things worse.

"No Tony that is not why I came over, Rick is not my boyfriend Tony and you are defiantly not fine" she softly stated.

"Well I don't want to talk about it, anyways I thought you were meant to be gone already on your trip, so why are you here Ziva?" he said coldly and it made her sad to think what was making him this upset.

"I leave tomorrow but I wanted to come see you before I went because I was worried about you Tony"

"You could have just gone without seeing me, then you could just worry about Rick, and I could be fine by myself, I was fine until you came over" the words left his mouth without thought and he regretted them as soon as he did, he didn't mean for it to sound like that. And when he looked up at her it looked as though he had just stabbed her in the stomach with the look she gave him.

"Well ok, I will leave you alone then, I was only trying to help" she sadly said and she went to get up from the couch and leave but Tony grabbed her wrist.

"No wait I'm sorry Ziva I didn't mean for it to sound like that" he pleaded her to stay. She sat back down.

"You shouldn't apologise it's a sign of weakness, and how was it meant to sound Tony?" she said slightly angry at what he said. He let go of her wrist and looked at the floor.

"At the moment I am weak so I would say I can apologise, and I didn't mean that I was fine until you came, I meant that I had forgotten about everything until you reminded me, I'm sorry" he said still looking away. And she felt guilty for making him remember whatever it was he was trying to forget.

"Tony, look at me" she said and he hesitantly lifted his head and looked at her.

"Tony you are not weak so do not apologise, and you know whatever it is troubling you, you can tell me, I want to help you Tony" he just looked at her for a moment, wondering if he should tell her what's bugging him, especially considering it partly involves her. But the way she was looking at him, caring, loving, he sighed and thought 'well I have to say something one day'.

"I…I realised when I heard about Brenda that what I do to people is terrible, breaking peoples hearts like that all the time, using people and I thought over my years, I have done it a long time, I hate myself for it and I know its because I don't want to be serious with them but I don't know why I did it, for my own selfish pleasure? Seriously I'm fucked up Ziva" he explained and she was worried that her assumptions of him and his personal emotions were right.

"Tony you are not fucked up, you were just being human Tony, people get over it, its life you know. Everyone needs intimacy Tony, it makes them feel wanted and loved, even if it isn't real and for a brief time, but it's true. You just need to feel that because you didn't want a relationship, but Tony as I said earlier you are growing up and maybe it is time you think about wanting something serious because otherwise you will put a strain on your heart if you keep doing what you have done. I know you Tony and you may deny it but you have a fragile heart, you don't let anyone in because you know how easy it is to break and so you do not let anyone in, but I think you should at least try to do something" she told him and he seemed to take it all in.

"I-I let Jeanne in and that was a big mistake, I didn't mean for that to happen and I have been guarded since then, only one other person I have let in and I didn't mean for that to happen either but I would rather have her in there then anyone else, there is no room left in my heart Ziva, that's why I don't let anyone in" he stated looking at her more intensely then before. She was about to ask who the person was when she read his eyes, was he really saying that she was the one who held his heart? If she read his gaze correctly that's exactly what he was saying, she didn't know what to do or say to that. The reason why she always kept that distance from him was because she knew her heart wanted him but them being together would always be difficult so she kept her distance. He read her face, he knew she knew he was talking about her but he was ok with the fact she didn't say anything, she had Rick now and Tony had missed his chance, but at least she knew the way he felt and always would feel.

"Tony I…" she still wasn't sure what to say but he reached out and softly touched her hand.

"I know its ok. I just wanted you to know, don't let me stop you from enjoying your trip tomorrow but can I ask one thing?" he was talking softly to her now. She felt his hand on hers and she still had a mind blank.

"What?" she managed to get out.

"Just stay with me tonight? I'll sleep on the couch and you can take my bed, but please just stay" he pleaded and his eyes looked so desperate and sad. She couldn't say no to him, it was ok because her flight wasn't till midday and she had already packed.

"Ok Tony" she whispered and she felt his hand give hers a little squeeze.

They hadn't talked about the conversation again, she knew he didn't want to bring it up again; he just wanted to be in her presence, not feel alone. He had got up and made them a hot chocolate each while he told her to pick a movie from his shelf. She had picked one and put it in by the time he got back to the lounge. He sat down next to her on the couch. He paid little attention to the movie and more to her as she watched it. He absently slung his arm over the back of the couch.

He tried not to think about the fact he had pretty much told her he had major feelings for her and that the next day she would go off with her boyfriend on some trip and totally forget about it. And while she would be having fun with him, he would probably be drinking his sorrows in some strong alcohol until he passed out and forgot about it until he woke up.

As he watched her watch the movie he could see her eyes go a bit droopy because she was probably tired and he was about to say something but then she leant over closer to him and her head ended up resting on his shoulder. If this was one of the last times he was going to be able to be this close with her, because after her trip with Rick she might actually get very close with him, he was not going to say a word, he was just going to soak in the memory and the feel of her resting against him.

Not to long after he could tell Ziva had fallen asleep and he turned the movie off with the remote and rested his head against her gently while he put his arm around her pulling her closer to him without waking her. He was going to bask in this memory for as long as he lived because he couldn't have her even though she belonged in his heart and forever would, so he would remember this because it felt as though it would be the last time he would ever get her like this, this close to him.

It took a long time for him to fall asleep because he didn't want to wake up and find she wasn't there or it was all just a dream, but he finally did fall asleep with a sigh knowing he would miss this dearly when he woke up.

The next morning he woke to the sound of a cell phone ringing, and then he heard Ziva sigh and wriggle gently out of his embrace. He pretended not to be awake for a moment until he heard her answer the phone he pretended to wake.

Ziva woke up to the sound of her cell phone going off and noticed that she was wrapt up in Tony's arms. She sighed knowing how he felt and how she wanted him too but she knew she was going away with Rick today for the next week and she couldn't burden him with her feelings and then leave him alone thinking she was going away with a some other guy romantically.

As much as Ziva would try to convince Tony that Rick was just a friend she knew he wouldn't believe her no matter what. She was worried what he was going to do and think when she was away, she couldn't talk to him until she was back and it killed her inside thinking that. She found her phone and picked it up, it was Rick. She walked away from where Tony was waking up on the couch.

"Hey Rick" she cheerfully greeted. And when Tony heard it from where he was he sighed. It was Ziva's boyfriend Rick.

"Hey Ziva, um I landed at the airport two hours ago on my flight from Miami, but I think we have a problem" he stated worriedly, Ziva wondered what was going on.

"What is it?"

"Well have you looked outside yet? Like every where's snowed in and they said our flight was cancelled until further notice. I don't know if well get a flight out of here until at least after Christmas, and I would say I wont be able to get out of the airport until the blizzard outside calms down, I don't think you'll be able to leave your apartment it's that bad" Rick explained. Ziva was angry, the only time she was actually going to get a holiday and there's a blizzard, also Rick was stuck at an airport by himself, she felt bad for him.

"Really, that is not cool; we had this planned for ages and I can't believe you are stuck in and airport, I will come get you as soon as I can come alright?" Ziva said. Tony could hear her side of the conversation from where he sat on the couch. Even though she got to stay here with him, he felt bad she was missing her trip with her boyfriend.

"Yeah I know Ziva but don't worry we will go another time, we have a lifetime, but I want to make it clear that you do not leave your apartment until it is perfectly safe and the blizzard is gone, and hunny I know your skilled and could probably highjack into some underground tunnel, but no I don't want that happening" Rick joked and she smiled.

"Ok, I wont I promise, ring me when you get an update on anything ok, and don't go buying those tacky airport things that I know you love, talk to you soon, love you, stay safe" Ziva replied. Tony's heart sank when he heard her say 'love you', friend his ass. He couldn't believe she straight up told him they were just friends.

"Ok Hun, you take care too and I'll find you some of that nice perfume you like though, love you too bye" he replied before hanging up. She smiled thinking of Rick shopping out the whole airport, which he will probably do.

She walked back over to where Tony was on the couch and when she saw him she could tell he was mad about something, and then it hit her what she had said aloud, he must have been listening.

"Tony" she started softly and he just stood up.

"No Ziva I don't want to hear any more of the lies you tell me, I don't even know who you are anymore with everything you probably lie to me about, and he is defiantly not just a friend" Tony snapped and stormed down to his bedroom. Ziva mentally kicked herself for thinking he wouldn't be listening, of course he was listening. She followed him down the hall to his bedroom.

She didn't even knock she just walked in through the door. He had his head in his hands as he sat on the end of his bed, he didn't look up when she entered.

"Go away" he said, and she could feel the pain he was feeling.

"No Tony I want you to listen to me, I don't like Rick like that-" she began before Tony interrupted her.

"No you don't _like _him you _love _him" he said looking up at her with glassy eyes. She thought she would cry looking at him in the state of pain she put him in, and she was not a woman to cry.

"Yes Tony I love him, but as a friend, I am not _in _love with him, it is pretty impossible for us to have a relationship like that Tony" she explained softly as she sat down next to him facing him as he looked at her with a face she never wanted him to have.

"How is it so impossible for you to have that with him? If you love him can't you simple be in love with him just as easy?" he stated and she sighed.

"Tony, Rick is gay" she said and he looked at her confused.

"What?" he asked.

"Rick is gay, he likes men Tony, I even showed him your picture once and he asked for your number" she stated.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yes I am very certain Tony" and she saw him smile but then go sad again.

"I'm sorry Ziva I-" but before he could continue she put her finger to his lips and shook her head.

"No, I don't wont to hear your apology, I know how much you care for me and hearing what I said would have been a reasonable outcome for your actions, I know you Tony, you have always been jealous" she smiled softly at him.

"I have not always been jealous" he tried but she shook her head.

"Tony, I can see it in your eyes every time I speak of any male or flirt with them, I am not blind" she stated and he couldn't help the small smile that went across his face.

"It's hard not to be you know" he said looking her right in the eyes. Ziva lightly gathered both of his hands in hers and held them lightly. She looked at him a little before she spoke.

"Tony, if we start this conversation I have to be completely honest with you, that you and I both know what is said can't be taken back right? And we have a very strong partnership that I wish never to be harmed in any way" she was serious and he turned just as serious, this was the most important thing to him. Her.

"I know that Ziva, but partner or not I will feel the same way, I can't throw what I feel away, its stuck with me and I don't know how long I can go without telling you anymore, I have spent far to long holding back already" he explained and she nodded.

"Ok Tony, are you sure about this?"

"I am highly positive" he confirmed. She nodded again and she looked at there hands for a while, collecting her thoughts and what she was going to say.

"Tony, I have always cared for you, more than I perhaps should have, but I don't know how you got under my skin and dug yourself in my heart but you did, probably because you go places you shouldn't and your went into my heart, somewhere you shouldn't have" she said lightly with a smile. He smiled back.

"Ziva, I know you know me and what I'm like around woman but I have grown up a lot since you came to our team, and I the last couple years I would have been absolutely lonely if I didn't have human needs, and I didn't want anything permanent because I didn't want to be with them I wanted someone else, someone I couldn't have, you. I want things to be serious Ziva, I know that may sound weird from me but I do, all I think about is you, you invade my mind and I can't stop it" he explained, not leaving one bit out.

"Tony there is nothing more I want then being able to be with you, I don't know why because your are annoying and juvenile sometimes, but I guess the heart wants what it wants, and you are a very good man Tony, one of the best I know. It has been hard for me to resist from the things I want to tell you all the time but I do. Being taught to control emotions is what I was taught to do. But I will not do so anymore. I am just worried for our partnership Tony, I always have been, what if we do something overprotective because of our personal relationship?"

"Ziva, if I was in a situation to protect you or you were in danger, I would still react the same already now as I will, because I will still care deeply for you, relationship or not" he stated.

"I do believe that, so are we really going to do this?" she said as she looked at him.

"I want to have a shot at us, is that what you want?"

"It is what I want Tony" she said as she entwined their fingers together.

They both looked at each other after that, if they were doing 'this' why were they still avoiding what they both had wanted for many years, they both are highly attracted to each other and they both have always wanted to do it. they had both wanted to kiss each other in many moments over the past five years, but it had only happened once on a undercover assignment so it wasn't real, wasn't like this. And he wasn't going to wait any longer, he leant in slowly watching her eyes and he gave her a small peck just to the side of her mouth.

"Thank you for staying with me" he whispered against her skin, he leant back a little bit to see her eyes. The gazed in his as soon as he did and then they both leant in closing the space again, but this time lips touched lips.

They kissed softly, tenderly to begin with but soon they wanted more. One of his hands went to the side of her face, only to weave into her hair and towards the back of her head where he pulled her face closer to deepen the kiss. Her hands snaked up his chest and went to his neck, all the while she slipped her tongue into his mouth, making things much more heated.

He leant her back onto his bed; she complied easily wanting the same movement. His hands moved down her body to where the hem of her shirt was. It was off in a matter of seconds. She did the same to his, and before they knew it her hand was reaching for the belt of his pants.

They had both been holding themselves away from this intimacy for many years, it was no wonder that when they had exposed their feelings with an assurance that this was more than just a one time thing, that the inevitable that was finally going to that high level of intimacy happened between them.

And afterwards when they snuggled in his bed together, still naked from the event just been, they both felt contently happy, the void of loneliness was filled and they felt…loved. Her head lay on his chest while he held her close and played with her hair, their legs all tangled up together. And they both easily slipped into a peaceful sleep like that. But this time he knew she wouldn't be gone when he woke up this time, so he was happy he wouldn't have to live of a memory, because he had her and could have her in his arms like this anytime he wanted.

They had woken later that evening after they slept for the afternoon and Tony had immediately kissed her when he saw her smile at him. She gladly kissed him back. He had rolled them over so he lay atop of her while he kissed her. Not just on the lips, he wanted to explore all that was her. He kissed along her neck, across her collarbone, over her shoulder. And they both groaned when her phone went off. She had reached out and got it from where it had found itself on his bedside table last night.

She answered it and he had no intention on stopping what he was doing.

"Hey Ziva, so our flight is totally cancelled, I guess we can hang at yours for Christmas or something, we can go on the trip another time. Oh and I got your perfume for you too, but they still wont let me out of the airport, oh but there is this really hot flight attendant guy who was meant to be on our flight, me and him got chatting, he gave me his number" Rick rambled on. Ziva kept her composer as Tony kissed all over her.

"Hey, thank you for getting it, well I am glad you have managed to find yourself some company, you are such a little flirt you know Rick, I do not know what I am going to do with you" she joked. She heard Rick laugh over the other side of the phone.

"Hunny when have I never been" he joked back.

"Very true Rick, so do you know when you-" Ziva was about to continue when Tony managed to find a ticklish spot on her neck with his mouth. She giggled. "Tony! Stop it, don't make me hurt you, I am on the phone sorting out what's happening with Rick" he stated he just grinned at her and did it again.

"Tony, I warned you" she said before reaching down and grabbing his shoulder. He winced.

"Ow ok ok, I'll stop" he said and she let go, she gave him a light peck before going back to Rick on the phone, Tony smiled at his ninja, he had to fall for the one chick who could kick his ass without even trying. Rick had heard the whole thing over the phone and had a beaming grin; Ziva had talked a lot about Tony, and if Rick was right it sounded as though their, 'non romantic, only professional and just friends' relationship had changed.

"Back to what I was saying, so when do you know when you can get out of the airport?" Ziva asked as though they hadn't been interrupted.

"Hunny, have you and your sexy partner Tony been naughty? And can I ask why he seems to be at your house, I do not think it will be business related" Rick said trying not to laugh, Ziva laughed at what he said, Rick was always a man for his gossip, especially when it involved Ziva and her love life.

"We may have, but I am at his actually, I will fill you in later Rick, I promise" Ziva could almost feel Ricks grin through the phone.

"Ok, Hunny, well I don't know when but they are telling us in about an hour or two so I will ring you when I know, you and Tony behave, love you"

"Ok, I will talk to you then, love you too, bye" Ziva said before hanging up. She turned to Tony after and punched him half playfully.

"Hey what was that for?" Tony said grinning like an idiot that she knew he was, which she loved.

"That was for interrupting my phone call to my gay friend who loves gossip and is now going to bombard me with every single little question about you and what we did" she smirked and gave him a kiss.

"How detailed?"

"Oh Rick is a very insistent man who insistent every little detail about all gossip he hears" she smirked, this time he kissed her.

"Oh? And you will tell him?" he smirked.

"Well I have to know he knows, but it is your fault after all" she smirked back.

"Couldn't help it" he shrugged before really kissing her as he rolled her back underneath him.

The blizzard had cleared more by the next day, Rick had rung Ziva telling her that he was aloud to leave the airport, he said he wanted to finally met Tony too, so Tony and Ziva headed to the airport to pick him up. As soon as Rick saw them he gave Ziva a big hug and a friendly kiss to each cheek. Then he looked at Tony and smiled. Rick went and hugged Tony too, Tony was a bit shocked and Ziva just laughed at the face he pulled when he got the unexpected hug. Rick gave Tony a wink when he stepped back and said to him.

"Oh I see why she likes you so much, you give great hugs and you are much more good looking in person" Tony thought that Rick was nice with a good sense of humour, he saw why Ziva got along with him.

They had ended up all staying at Ziva's for Christmas; the three of them drank and shared stories of past Christmas and Ziva of Chanukah. They had eaten until they couldn't move and Rick found Tony and Ziva's interactions throughout the whole time adorable. He even made them kiss under the mistletoe and when Rick gushed over how cute it was Rick noticed Tony's cheeks flush and Rick saw Tony lean down to Ziva's ear and whisper. He also saw Ziva smile the softest smile at him when Tony leaned back and she whispered the same thing back to him.

Little did Tony know and Ziva had obviously forgotten but Rick could easily lip read. Rick knew it was the first time they had said it by the look they shared. And Rick thought it was the cutest thing to see his best friend's lover whisper. _I love you _to her and her whisper it right back to him like they did, it was romantic and cute. Being a big softy he was, Rick got all teary. When Ziva noticed Rick like that she was the one to blush when she remembered Rick could lip read.

**So there we go, I hope you enjoyed it, let me know if you liked it :)**

**Merry Christmas everyone and hope you have a good one. **

**Hundan.**


End file.
